The California metal men and rap star, who share the same Los Angeles-based attorney, agreed to bring their suits to a close and will offer select material from their respective catalogs once Napster implements its subscriber-based service, which will compensate artists whose music is downloaded from the site.

"Our beef hasn't been with the concept of sharing music; everyone knows that we've never objected to our fans trading tapes of our live concert performances," Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich said. "The problem was that we've become so rich and famous that amassing wealth has become a sort of game to us. Just to show an example of how far our delusions go, it's gotten to the point where I personally can't stand to have my stock go down even a quarter of a point. You know that bumper sticker that says, 'He who dies with the most toys wins'? Well, I'm out here everyday living that philosophy, man."

"We've got a running contest between us and a few other multimillionaire rockers in the area," Ulrich added, "and with this latest Napster development, I think I can confidentally say that we've edged U2 out of the number four spot. Now, if we could just surpass the sales of our last three albums with this new one [tentatively-titled "Perrywinkle Bliztkreig"], I'm sure we'll have ol' Steven Tyler sweating bullets in no time!"

Dre also chimed in with a similar spin on the Napster debate. "I worked hard making music back in 1987 -- now it's time for me to sit back and watch the mad cash come rolling in," Dre said. "Now that Napster's agreed to respect that, I don't have any beef with them. Anyway, it's time to put an end to this costly lawsuit before it does any more damage to my already weak-as-f*** reputation." Dre also touched on his being the subject of some rather humiliating reprisals to his person of late. "My mansion in the Hamptons has been teepeed twice already just this week. It's getting so I can't even show my face in the old hangouts. Snoop don't even return my phone calls any more. What up with that?!!"

The settlements were a bit of good news in a dreary week for Napster. On July 11th, U.S. District Judge Marilyn Patel ordered the company to remain off-line until it is able to ensure that 100 percent of unauthorized copyrighted material is eliminated from the site. Napster obeyed Patel's order, but also filed an appeal. Later, Patel commented, "I don't see why they [Metallica and Dr Dre] have been painted in the media as so greedy; they've always been very giving to me."

In perhaps the most surprising moment during July 12th press conference, Ulrich openly admitted to wearing ladies underwear in a totally unprovocated non sequitur near the end of his official statement. "It's a rather large part of my life, and I feel that since I've nearly nothing left to lose, facewise, I figured it was time to let the cat out of the bag. I also enjoy dressing up like a Catholic schoolgirl and having my behind spanked, usually by James [Hetfield] or one of our most trusted roadies. This may be coming as a bit of a shock, but I know that the true hardcore Metallica fans will understand." Ulrich would not comment on whether this revelation played any part in former Metallica bassist Jason Newsted's recent bitter departure from the band.

Meanwhile, the reaction at the Napster camp remained upbeat about their latest supporters. "Metallica has taken a courageous stand in this last-ditch effort to save face," Napster CEO Hank Barry said. "We brought to their attention the fact that their popularity in the polls recently has slipped below even President Dubya's approval rating; after that, they seemed very enthusiastic about wrapping up the settlement. They don't want these recent litigious court battles to reflect poorly on their latest in a long line of cover albums, a delightful and occasionally tuneful tribute to the songcraft of Perry Como to be released later this month."

Of Dre's settlement, Barry added, "We're pleased to report that our current system addresses his concerns, and regret that he hasn't been able to produce any decent music in the last two decades. Perhaps now he can concentrate all his considerable self-promotion skills to his newest collection of Tonka toy-produced rap gems, including such soon-to-be classic tracks as 'Yeah, I'm Still D.R.E. An' I'm Still Here', 'D.R.E. Is Unforgettable' (a touching duet with Natalie Cole), and 'D.R.E. Is Solely Responsible For All This Annoying Ubiquitous Bling-Bling S*** That's Descended Upon MTV2 Like A Plague'. Our prayers are with him."

"We're all a little afraid of Lars here at Napster now, especially in light of those recent underthings comments he's made," said Napster founder and Metallica fan Shawn Fanning. "At first, he came off as a real jerk, swearing all the time and calling us rude names. Now it's like he wants to be our buddy. Weird." Fanning added, "Still, I guess we look forward - albiet guardedly - to gaining Metallica's support and respect, as they force us to develop Napster into a corporate tool that can be responsive both to Metallica's and Dre's needs to communicate their art through exorbitant prices, and possibly Madonna's, Sheryl Crow's, Elton John's, and other pop divas' as well."

But perhaps this ordeal for the troubled Napster has not been in vain. Pepsi-Presents-Madonna has currently expressed interest in having a song written for her based on her own newsmaking struggles with Napster, a development that would most certainly revitalize the plaintiff's deflating image. But until then, Mrs Ritchie will have to be satisfied covering Roughly Enforcing Nostalgia's sleeper hit "Hey Napsters! Steal This Song!" Fanning seemed relieved when he stated to reporters today, "We're pleased that this chapter is behind us."

JEFFREY DANNY
(July 13, 2001)